dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Is it penis luge time yet?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
