IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
