can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
