I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
