I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Oh god it's open bar.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
