My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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