i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
