So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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