Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
We are all done wearing pants today
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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