i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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