I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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