my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize