Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
