I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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