i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
