My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
