I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
