There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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