i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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