apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
