i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
