I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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