is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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