oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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