my vag is so smooth its legendary
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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