I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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