i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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