OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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