I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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