i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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