The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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