Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
