Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
