I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
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