Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
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