I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
