i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
