Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
