she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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