I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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