I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize