lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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