Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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