I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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