Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
