my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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