Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
