That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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