theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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