Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
