I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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