brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
