I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
