I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you didnt know i had herpes?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
