Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
