paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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