every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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