he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
