I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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