I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
