I think I won the penis lottery.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm just crazy horny about you
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
