lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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