the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
