I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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