she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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