mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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