dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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