Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
