Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
