Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
