I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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